Being Against Juice

Being a North American parent in 2015 means you have a lot of information and fewer concerns than most of the world.

We're not raising kids in war-torn cities. We deal with foreclosure but not firebombs. None of us think about roof snipers while grocery shopping. Raise your hand if you're facing intense religious persecution? Nope? Didn't think so.

We'll never admit but our lives are pretty cushy.

I'm not saying we don't have problems, just not "rest of the world" problems. 

In response to this comfort, we create new enemies out of the mundane. Our current target: Juice.


Why juice? It crept into our homes under the guise of nutrition but when we learned the truth, that natural sugars are just as "bad" as the ones in Fruit Loops, we lost our collective minds.

Juice Ingredients


"DOWN WITH JUICE!" we scream in the streets, one hand pushing a stroller and another holding a homemade protest sign.
Amy before Juice


Amy after Juice

Parents brag about not giving their kids juice like they've been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize in the category of Withholding Juice. There is an unspoken competition to see how long you can prevent your child from tasting the substance.

The only type of acceptable juice is homemade and derived from lettuce & kiwi.

Parent #1: "Billy is 2 and has never had any juice."

Parent #2: "Samantha is 3 and has never touched the stuff."

Parent #3: "Noah is 3 and a half and doesn't drink juice but he is allowed water with two drops of stevia on his birthday."

Parent #4: "REBECCA IS EIGHT AND DOES NOT KNOW WHAT JUICE IS I WIN!"

What You See


What Parents See
A 4-year old who turns down juice in favor of water in public is worshiped like a god. Parents will fall all over this golden child and say things like, "Wow! Good for you! What an adorable little angel!" while tossing disgusted looks at their own kids:"You little rat-faced juice drinkers why don't you ever ask for water. Be more like THIS KID." 

Coconut water straight from the young, organic coconut is a good alternative to juice.
Before dropping kids off with grandparents or babysitters parents give them emergency contact numbers, allergy information, and a change of clothes. Then right before they leave most parents hiss: "And if you give my child juice so help me God I will kill you."

Little Rosie before swallowing the first sip of juice

Little Rosie after two sips. Now she hungers for the souls of baby animals.

Growing up, we all drank juice. No, we drank Tang, the party school of juices. We walked around with our upper lips and teeth stained all colors of the rainbow from whatever our parents would mix with water and throw in the fridge for us. Now if your kid is sporting once of those telltale Red #40 Shame Mustaches people will tag you in Facebook posts about proper nutrition.

Every people group has their own sport and for parents, this is juice blocking.

Being Against Juice, we like you.



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60 comments:

  1. I'm proud to say I'm one of those snobby parents whose child prefers water over juice.

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    Replies
    1. I think you missed the point of the essay.

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    2. Your child comes over to my house and is secretly drinking juice.

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    3. ^^^^^^^^ LOL! Love both of these responses!

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    4. Good for you. Don't lower your standards because others don't share them.

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    5. Well goody-goody for you. Prime example of how some people parent "at" other parents.

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    6. My son prefers whiskey over juice, so I win.

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    7. My kid likes coffee, tea, soda, milk, juice, water, dirt, blood (or so he says) toys, erasers, and chocolate syrup. Yes we've already consulted with his doctor. He's doing fine and growing fine.
      It's fine.
      Get on with it.

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    8. I applaud your effort to keep your child healthy. Please ignore the caddy responses below it, as they are all coming from their own insecurities that they aren't parenting as well as you.

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    9. Caddy...SMH

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    10. This thread of comments is funnier than the article.

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  2. My kid drinks Fruitables juice boxes during the day and water at night. Best juice I have found on the market. Not depriving him of it. To each his own

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  3. People are sheep. How about a little moderation? Help your kid understand drinking water is most important and to have everything else once in a while!

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  4. We never drank water as kids, never ever. Milk, kool aid, juice. So we don't keep juice at home because my son does like water. But once we leave our front door my son sucks down apple juice like a fiend, no joke.

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  5. For real ...who effing cares? This was funny only because it is ridiculous that people judge each other over their beverage choices. White people problems.

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    1. Healthy eating is a white person's problem?!? Seems to me that critical thinking skills is your problem.

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    2. First World problems...I'll bet the mothers in third world and war torn countries don't sit around judging the food other mothers feed their kids...they're just grateful to have food to give them. Luxury of a life where stress is defined by your local Starbucks' espresso machine being broken or the grocery store stopped carrying your favorite organic non gmo free range cereal bars.

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  6. Ok, well, the boy child and I are currently (and happily) sporting red Gatorade-induced matching mustaches.

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  7. I give my 2 and a half year old juice diluted with water but he sometimes prefers the water alone... my mom gave me guava juice and kept it in my cot. there is nothing wrong with me? lol

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    1. WHAT?!?!?!?!? You slept in a cot???? You could have suffocated!

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    2. It's possible that "Anonymous" above you is British & the term "cot" is the same as the American term "crib" :-)

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    3. You can suffocate anywhere if youre a baby. Dur da dur.

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  8. LOL there are some angry people commenting here IT'S A JOKE.

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  9. I am laughing because my kid suffered from severe constipation when we added cereal to his diet. we tried different ones, but when we ended up in urgent care because of it, the dr TOLD me to give him white grape juice, because I think he said it was the easiest to digest and would make things move a long a lot easier (along with other home remedies). juice is not evil, just make sure they brush their teeth. it helps keep hydrated and get some non-empty calories in them. or just give them a bunch of chips and candy. that could work too.... :P

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  10. This article is just as judgmental as the no juice shamers.

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  11. Great fun essay. Equally as awesome comments. Ha!

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  12. My kids have juice as a treat. We don't keep it at the house, and I prefer they don't drink it. Why ? My son has major behavior issues and by changing his diet and limiting sugars ( natural and artificial) as well as food coloring ...that you pointed out red 40 has kept him meds that those docs love pushing. Red 40 causes my son to have night terrors and to hurt himself .... doc doccumented thats whats causing it. Im not siding with a fad I'm protecting my child from.another er visit. ts my choice, I don't push it on others and don'
    t care if his best friends took a bath in the stuff. Everyone feels there has to be "sides". We have no side, we just don't drink it and I may look like a snob but I don't like everyone needs to have my sons medical background everytime i say no juice

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  13. My 7 month old gets juice every day at the dr.s Advice to promote pooping. It didn't hurt my two older kids as babies and it will not hurt him.

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  14. My kids love to drink sugar water. I mix five spoon fulls of sugar to one cup of water then watch how hilariously crazy they can get. The best part is they sleep like babies at night.

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    1. Do you do that just before dropping them at grandma's?

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    2. But then you don't get to enjoy their high. Plus, how else would you get your migraines if you can't listen to them screech Yankie Doodle??

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  15. Juice? Water? You mean we're supposed to feed them AND give them drinks?!

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    Replies
    1. OMG!! this is the best

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  16. I had to drink 6 ounces of prune juice every day through my entire childhood or I would go days - weeks - without pooping. Just saying.

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  17. My son can have juice if he wants. There's a TON of sugar in juice though, and fresh fruit is better for you anyway. But if he's given juice with caregivers, I don't care. Hooray! My picky toddler is eating!

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  18. We never give my 3.5 year old daughter juice. She prefers wine.

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    1. This comment WINS.

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    2. Lol all of these r super funny!

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    3. Wine???? That is fermented grape juice. Although there are studies that show fermentation removes the sugar so this ua genius! Soon peditricians will recommend wine!

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    4. Lol perfect!!! Let them drink wine!!!

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  19. Most of the water I drank as a kid came from a hose attached to an outside tap. My kids drink a lot of water, but that's because I have it delivered and they like getting their own water from the dispenser tap. But we have tea (it's the South, deal with it), juice, and milk available for whatever they want to drink. Usually it's milk or water, and both of my kids are over height/under weight for their age group. As I was at their age. Everything in moderation folks.

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    Replies
    1. Moderation is the key ! And doing what you see fit for your wee ones ! This was a great read

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  20. THANK you for this article... Gawd, here I am in the burbs listening to all these moms brag about this crap and I'm just sitting here thinking I'm in some sick dream! Lord help me find more people like this to be friends with, and PLEASE let them NOT sell Advocare, or Pampered Chef, or Silpada... or anything! HELLO? is there anyone out there... :P

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    1. Im One Of Those Parents...Except The Pamperef Chef Part. Is That Why I Am A Socisl Outcast?? I Thought It Was The Juice Thing. Go Figure!

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    2. What about Pure Romance? Can we sell Pure Romance?

      Lol I can't handle the crazy talk either, it's big here in CT. Cracks me up when women I grew up drinking Kool-aid with judge me for giving my kids orange juice.

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  21. Behold: First world problems.

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  22. Wow, come to an actual city in the U.S. and see that there are a lot of people dealing with real problems, like hunger, violence, and even having their houses set on fire. You really need to get out of your little bubble.

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    1. my house is set on fire at least once a week... normally by an anti-juice zealot.

      And I see hunger a lot, that 300 pound woman waiting at the McDonald's claims she is starving.. I think she hasn't eaten in half an hour, OH the humanity!

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  23. I want some Tang :(

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  24. I am so sick of the "we did it as kids, and we're all fine" NO, we're actually not fine. Obesity/childhood diabetes along with a whole other host of eating related diseases are killing us (and our kids) slowly.

    I hate the comparing/competing with other parents in general, and I completely agree with that sentiment of this post. I choose not to give my son juice. I don't care what other parents do- it doesn't affect my life or my son. But knocking those of us who don't give juice (or other processed/sugary foods) is just as bad as those other parents knocking you for doing so.

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    1. Thank you for posting this! I agree 100%. My kids eat a very healthy diet and as a result, they rarely get sick - even after playing with other sick kids, they are very strong physically and mentally, and have very lean muscle tone. It's not a judgement on other parents. It'a lifestyle. My thought was: You only get one chance to give your child the gift of health!! Best wishes on your healthy lifestyle!

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  25. This article is hilariously witty and the comments are even better. I love how parents are always at war about the little things like this. My favorite is the gasps I got when I told parents we were having oyr kids take the winter off from their organized sports. You would have thought I told them we were going to tie our children up and lock them in a closet until Spring. We over parent, force our children to be over involved and forget to let them be kids. I understand limiting foods that aren't necessarily healthy but dont omit it! If kidscarent taught to enjoy treats in moderation they will over indulge every chance they get. Let them drink juice eat cake or mud or have high fructose corn syrup... well unless your kid has insane allergies like mine and then you better be really careful!

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    1. A sensible voice of reason - everything in moderation!
      I don't get the whole "Juice is Evil and You are a Bad Parent for Giving It To Your Children" movement. Fruit has sugar. Vegetables contain sugar. Teach kids moderation and that there are no 'bad' foods and they will be less likely to binge on the unhealthy stuff - after all the forbidden fruit tastes the sweeter.

      "Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants."

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  26. In spite of all my best efforts, my 1.5 yo loves juice -- he has less than 20 words, and one of them is clearly "juice". I feel guilty every time he says it. Honestly, though I'd rather have him hydrated -- and at least it is dye-free organic apple juice, diluted half to 3/4 with water (hear the defensiveness)? :)

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  27. if people would learn to drink juice properly....it would be fine...I think I read above..."in moderation"....exactly! Moderation....juice is meant to be consumed about 1 cup at a time...8 oz....that is a small juice glass...everyone I have ever seen chugs it in huge glasses....no wonder we get so much sugar in our systems....

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  28. Funny article - especially the photos. But I can't help but think this new trend in parenting of bragging about the things you don't care about as a parent is just a different form of the parent bragging articles like this are mocking. There's a competition to see whose kids eat the healthiest, etc., and then a mirror competition over which parents can care the least because it's not cool to care too much. Can we just raise our f*cking kids without all of this social commentary over who is caring too much and who is caring too little?

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