First it was the Baby Bjorns. San Francisco yuppies toting their precious gems to Whole Foods in what looked like some kind of fuel pack/armour combo. Little did they know that they appeared to be using their infant as a human shield.

Below is a photo of Matt Damon preparing to storm Elysium wearing his first born for protection.

Bjorns are now affectionately called "crotch danglers" and are the source of disdain for 75% of the parenting community. Once people started saying that you might be crushing the nerves in child's genitals with these types of carriers they kiiiiiiinda lost popularity.

But you keep doing you, Matt Damon. 

For attention seekers, we have six foot high baby mountain climber backpacks. Whenever I see these people in the airport or at an outdoor festival I wonder if they take joy in how uncomfortable they are making everyone. Is it truly necessary to create a plastic pope-mobile for your child to ride in? You can't even see the kid. You are literally dependent on the updates from strangers as to how your baby is doing back there.

The only right time to wear a contraption like this is if you are fleeing your home country for a better life. 

My next favorite kind of baby carriers are slings and wraps. Because nothing says convenient like yards upon yards of fabric. If you want to be a suburban Earth Mama this is your carrier of choice.

Ring slings allow you to feel primal and connected to nature while waiting for the oil to be changed for your SUV. They can cost upwards of $150 but that doesn't stop many moms from wanting one in every color.

Take a look at this sweet little European family. So beautiful, tan and carefree in their 3/4 sleeve shirts. 

They're using what is called a Soft Structured Carrier. The very best part about these is that you need help to snap them in the back. If you're solo at the mall that means you've got to ask a someone you don't know. Having a stranger graze their hand against your back like they're removing your bra strap feels amazingly not weird at all.

Word of caution: If you start babywearing, you probably won't be able to stop. You will end up with 18 different carriers and finding ways to justify buying more ("This one will be perfect for the car!").

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  1. I actually like the fact that the Bjorn is no longer 'in' because I can wear it and not worry that I'm trying to look trendy or something. I've seen other guys trying to wear those Moby slings and they just look like they are trying to be women. The Bjorn (if you get the right colour) looks masculine and your kid gets to face forward. Unless you are one of those fanatics who believes you must 'wear' (hate that term) your baby every moment except when he's sleeping, he's not in it long enough for any real danger from the crotch dangle. I like being able to see my son when I'm walking the dog or navigating an airport. If he were on my back, I'd have no clue what he was up to.

  2. Carriers are great... I just can't stand the fetishization of them that goes on in crunchy circles... it's so mind-numbing. And how "babywearing" has become this cutesy little term that is worshiped as the answer to pretty much all child problems. It's like babies are accessories now.

  3. Soft structured carriers can be clipped without asking for help. Why does this myth persist!? It would be useless to me if I couldn't put it on by myself. And without it, we'd never make it through the grocery store, so putting it on by myself is pretty crucial!

  4. Is this a joke? How ridiculously clueless you all are

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